​My mate, Andrew Collins, one of several courageous survivors of Catholic clergy child sexual abuse from Ballarat, wrote a powerful and informative account of his past relating to depression and suicide. It is worth sharing (and I am doing so with Andrew's permission). Below Andrew's account I have provided a few links to relevant articles. It's an issue that needs to be discussed, so thank you Andrew for your important contribution and insights.

Andrew's story (unedited):

I always thought that I would never try to take my own life. That I knew how it would affect my family, and that I was strong enough.

But when my life took a turn for the worst, I became very depressed and started planning how to do it. Of course I told myself that I still wouldn't do it. I now know that this is one of the stages and that if it arises you need to get help straight away. But I thought I was OK.

Then it just happened. It was as if a switch was flicked, and suddenly everything made sense. If I did this everyone would be happy. Nobody would be upset. Of course this is crazy, but at the time it just made sense to me. Having planned how, all I had to do was to follow the plan. I don't think people realise just how hard it is to end your own life.

My first attempt I sped up in my car and ran it into a parked car on the side of the road. I ended up with whiplash and a destroyed car. I felt so embarrassed and told everyone that I had blacked out.

The second attempt I threw a rope over a tree branch in the forest, tied a noose, and stepped off an embankment. The branch broke, and I was left wet and dirty, with another sore neck and was so embarrassed again.

The last time I threw a rope over a beam at home and stepped off a stool. My wife heard the noise and cut me down. I still have problems with my neck and lower back.

I can assure you that I love my family and would never want to leave them this way. But my depressed mind was not thinking properly. No rational thinking person would ever think that this was a sensible thing and that everyone would be happy about it. I have also been in the situation where everything seemed so bad that I just wanted to die. Once again the thoughts are not normal. At those times the world just seemed to close in around me, and I was not seeing anything else.

I fought the urge to throw myself in front of traffic. I lay on the road around a bend, waiting to be ran over. My first attempt in the car was like this as well. But in all of these attempts, the one thing in common was the planning.In the past I have reached the planning stage again, and have instantly called the ambulance. I know that if I let it go that I may enter that irrational zone, and once there I have no control. It may make me feel stupid and weak when I have made that call, but at that time I am in control. I would rather feel stupid than run the risk of damaging my children forever.

So please, talk to children. talk to your friends and family. If anyone is depressed or under a lot of strain, ask them if they have thought about how they would do it. If they have, ask them to get help. Because there is nothing that makes sense about suicide. Its irrational, and the mind plays tricks on you. If you throw in things like alcohol and drugs it makes even less sense.

And for those left behind it leaves questions of why?, was it me?, and what did I do wrong? All of these are valid thoughts, but understand that the person who takes their own life is not thinking that its a bad thing for those who live, if they can think of them at all. Their mind is simply not working properly. Its not selfish, because there are no selfish thoughts at that time.

So please remember, its ok to talk about suicide. Talking about it won't make it happen. And if someone is planning how to do it, then they need help urgently. Like all parts of mental illness, deep depression can be helped. Reaching out and talking, hugging and holding can make a huge difference. There is help out there. We can help to Stop the Deaths.

Please contact your local support services if you need support, advice or assistance.

Relevant articles:

It's time to talk about suicide, The Courier (25 March 2016)

I told the truth in my sister's obituary, so that others might choose to live, The Washington Post (23 March 2016)

We need to stop calling suicide 'selfish', Thought Catalog (12 August 2014)

I'm pleased to share the apology I received today from the Rabbinical Council of Victoria. It's important that every individual - especially leaders, and in my opinion even more so religious leaders - who have done wrong in the context of what transpired in Australia regarding the child sexual abuse scandal, reflects on their past misdeeds and attempts to remedy the situation. It's significant that Victoria's most senior Orthodox rabbinic body has done just that; they have taken responsibility for their inappropriate action. On a personal level, I feel satisfied and vindicated. On a communal level, hopefully this is another step that will regain the community's trust and respect for the Rabbinate. I look forward to continue to build on the constructive dialogue that has commenced post the Royal Commission public hearing with the RCV and many others.

Rabbinical Council of Victoria letter:

Thursday, 17 March 2016
7 Adar II 5776
 
Manny Waks
[REDACTED]
 
Dear Manny,
 
We trust this letter finds you and your family well.
 
Thank you for your understanding regarding the timing of our response to you.
 
Thank you for meeting with us at the end of last year. We felt the meeting was constructive, positive and open. It was great to be able to resolve to work together in the future and to commit to having dialogue between the RCV and yourself for any future issues that may arise.
 
One of the matters you raised at the meeting was your disappointment with the RCV for having called for your resignation as CEO of Tzedek. You explained that the RCV had not previously called for any other resignations and you therefore felt it was a personal attack on you.
 
Upon reflection, the RCV regrets and apologise for calling for your resignation publicly without first discussing the matter with you directly and giving you the opportunity to present your perspective.
 
We hope to work together with you in the future and that we give each other the opportunity to first discuss matters between us before taking further action.
 
Once again we express our support and commitment in standing together with victims of child sexual abuse and reiterate that reporting child sexual abuse to the authorities is not only permitted in Jewish law but mandatory.
 
Best wishes,
 
Executive Committee
Rabbinical Council Victoria

​​Meet Hilly. One of my new mates and heroes.
 
He only recently learned of his full name, Gordon Hill, and his date of birth. He used to be called Number 29.
 
You see Hilly was placed in the Catholic St Joseph’s orphanage in Ballarat when he was very young. He was just a number to them. And when, in his early teens, they needed to make room for the new-comers, they heartlessly kicked him out. Number 29 was around 14yo at the time, all alone in this world, left to fend for himself. St Joseph’s gave him the meagre sum of two shillings and nine pence, enough money to pay to return by post the suitcase they lent him. Because he couldn’t read, he didn’t realise he was meant to return it. So he kept it. He still proudly has the suitcase.
 
During his years at the orphanage, he was treated with brutal inhumanity, ostensibly by religious people. Individuals who pray regularly to their God, people who believed the rest of us were going to pay gravely for our sins, unless, of course, we joined them.
 
He was deprived of his dignity and basic human rights; no education, food deprivation, mental abuse, brutal physical and sexual assaults, and the like. The nuns used to force him and his peers to cut the whips from the trees with which they would brutally assault them. They even pulled out his teeth with pliers; he was caught eating a carrot he found while working because he was starving. While as an adult he received false teeth, they no longer fit in his mouth due to the damage they caused to his cheek bones when the brutes pulled out his teeth. As you can imagine, Hilly has scars all over his body – not to mention his emotional scars. As he tearfully told me, he never even got a hug. Listening to his harrowing ordeal, I had to wipe away my tears, too.
 
Hilly was constantly on the run. He pretty much ran as far as he could within Australia; from Ballarat (Victoria – Australia’s East) to Western Australia.
 
Despite his brutal introduction into this world, Hilly made a life for himself. He got married, has four children, and several grandchildren. He taught himself to read and write. In fact, he's currently writing a book about his life. He's worked on cattle stations. Most importantly, Hilly has regained his identity. And it's not as if he had it all going for him in his adult life. His dear wife died of cancer a while ago.
 
And he's a caring, loving and beautiful soul. He's even volunteered plenty, earning recognition from the Rotaries – a medal he wears proudly around his neck to prove it.
 
Due to his age and experience, the Ballarat group of courageous survivors, their family members and support staff in Rome – there to attend the Royal Commission public hearing with Cardinal George Pell – referred to Hilly as their shepherd. But as Hilly told me, even a shepherd needs to be looked after. And he feels he has that in this incredible group I was honoured to spend time with in Rome.
 
So next time you're struggling, take inspiration from this incredible human being, Hilly. Indeed, from this entire group of courageous survivors whose stories are no less harrowing. I'll certainly endeavour to do so.
 
I'm proud of my new mate and hero Hilly. In fact proud of the entire courageous Ballarat group. And I'm delighted to call them mates.