Pain.
Loss.
Resentment.
Shame.
Hate.
Anger.
Weakness.
Pain.
Where does this come from.
Why do I feel so restrained.
I want to get rid of it.
Release the toxic change
I want to share.
I want to be me.
I want to be free.
I want to show the world, who I really care to be.
I want to have a voice.
I want to feel safe.
I want to feel love.
I want to feel Grace.
I want to feel me.
I want to feel you.
I want to feel everything pure and true.
Instead I feel anger.
Resentment and shame.
Nothing can express the feeling of disdain.
Passion yet Numb.
Character contained.
All truth is broken.
Shattered and gone.
Emptiness.
Stillness.
Darkness and gloom.
Loss of identity.
Powerless too.
The room filled with people. Smiling in Song.
Loneliness takes over.
Effortlessly won.
Anxiously attaining to reach more than none.
Ghostly existence.
Soul dead and gone.
Body remains
Wounded and done.
Soul is on fire.
Pray little one.
Sexually tormented.
God, having fun?
Quickly forgetting.
Nothings been done.
Be sure to keep secret.
There's always that gun. Powerless.
Lost.
Confused as they come.
Suffering silently.
Exposed to the scum.
The most intimate relation.
Defiled and ruined.
For all eternity.
Innocence Stolen.
Taken and gone.
Too early.
Too soon.
But life moves on....
Who to talk to
Who to cry to
Who to turn to for help.
No one.
Nothing.
The silence must be kept.
Aching inside.
Dying to breathe.
Pasting a smile.
Casing what's underneath. Confused as an alien fallen onto earth.
Love means betrayal
Loss of self worth.
Safety uncertainty.
Honesty all lies.
Protection denial.
Truth is despised.
None of it makes sense.
Clotted in time.
Family.
Protection.
Who draws the line?
Comfort.
Love.
Morals.
Religion.
Absent.
Demolished.
As long as there's submission.
No one held accountable.
Dismissed of retribution.
Who are you.
What are you thinking.
Who are you hurting.
What are you seeking.
Maybe a child.
An innocent soul.
Someone less powerful.
Someone you can control.
Maybe a little girl
Once soulful and pure.
Shining and hopeful.
Until darkness hit her core. Blackness.
Evil.
No one else can see.
No one but the little girl.
Fearful as can be.
Evil she did not know existed.
Until of late age.
Evil that was never taught. Remaining more than just a phase.
Evil disguised as love.
Tormenting with shame.
Evil no one seems to understand Amplifying the pain.
Only she sees it.
Only she feels it.
Only she lives it.
Only she breathes it.
Every single day.
It's her fault.
She thinks.
How crazy can she be.
Absurd.
Unreal.
The power he had over me.
The shame.
The guilt.
The prolonged secrecy.
How forceful and convincing one person can be.
Molding a child to whatever they want it to be
Whatever entices them at the moment.
Thinking so selfishly.
Corrupting the mind, body, and soul.
Sick.
Murderous.
How can one not see this all.
I will never understand.
The answers don't come.
My heart weeps for all
Suffering from what they've done
All the children who were invaded Blamed for having "fun"
Falling into addiction
Unbeknownst to some.
Allowing the abuser
The power he's won
Repeating the cycle
Of self hate and fear.
For what.
For who.
I can no longer bear.
Trying to please.
Everyone but yourself.
What have I done to receive such special care
That devious act was the start of it all.
Life will never be the same
It's a pretty hard fall
He opened up
A different sort of track.
One that rides
Completely out of whack.
That identity lingers on for years. Stuck.
Powerless.
Reserved.
Unshared.
Adults now, children inside. Broken and caught up
In what we think our minds got tied.
Children who experience
What no child ever should
Enter a dark tunnel
Some of you wish you understood.
I hope you are feeling.
Something inside
As long as your moving
Living inside
Maybe shocked or alarmed.
Caught by surprise
It's time to wake up.
Let the truth rest for a while
Be aware of what's going on.
There is no denial.
Reality is clear.
2015 is here
No more secrets.
No more lies.
No more blood dripping inside.
No more fear.
No more shame.
No more silence or misery or pain
I have a story.
I'm sure you do too.
Mine is pretty sacred.
Hard to admit, Intense and true. Awareness will not deter me.
From leading my own way.
There must be a purpose.
For being alive today.
I am here to support
Anyone whose got one
After everything that's happened
Since that devastating night.
I've learnt quite a bit.
Not so much in spite.
Trauma is real.
Resentment and disdain.
Images lingering
Taunting thoughts throughout the day.
Clothed in garments as holy as can be
Nothing but disturbance piling off of thee
A rabbi once told me I have a special place in God's heart.
As a way to try to comfort me.
He didn't know what he had start
As comforting as that sounds Predictable as can be.
Nothing can take away from what's transpired inside of me.
My life filled with searching
Interest and yearning.
Thirsting for knowledge
Tastefully discerning
As I rest my head to try to sleep
I pray that tomorrow I'll no longer feel weak.
Chaya Tee